my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
