I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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