Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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