If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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