I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
