Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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