sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
