please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I booty called her while she was in labor.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
