I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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