you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
