I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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