the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
