So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
