i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
