He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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