The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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