i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
