I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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