You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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