I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize