My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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