the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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