You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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