You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
