My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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