i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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