That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize