Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
