So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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