I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize