i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
