so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
