I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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