The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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