Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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