phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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