his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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