Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
