We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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