My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
