I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
