so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
