doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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