Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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