Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
