he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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