im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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