I didn't shave. On purpose
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
