I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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