Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
