I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize