His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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