Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
