I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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