apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
