did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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