I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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