Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
