im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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