i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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