i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
