why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You smell like a Billy Joel song
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
