For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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