Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
