no, he came in my armpit
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
